The Secret They Don’t Tell You About Forgiveness
Who Does it Really Benefit?
I learned the truth about forgiveness while I was chasing a dream. I spent the better part of five years working toward something I felt called to do. Along the journey, I experienced my share of hurt and mistreatment. I don’t say that so you’ll feel sorry for me. I say it to communicate something that’s true.
Everybody gets hurt.
And it’s natural to be angry when it happens. Let’s be honest, it feels better to be mad at someone for what they did than it does to let it go. It feels good to throw rocks at the person who hurt you, be angry at them, and bad about them behind their back. It’s like we’re getting our revenge in an indirect way.
The problem is that while it feels good, all that anger turns into resentment and bitterness. And resentment and bitterness will eat you alive. It will be present in everything you say, everything you do, and the way you interact with the world. Bitterness decays everything it touches. No exceptions.
Bitterness decays everything it touches. No exceptions.
There’s an old saying: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s true. But most of us cling to unforgiveness. Somehow we believe we’re justified, or that we’re hurting the other person.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
You’re replaying what they did in your head as you lay in bed at night, meanwhile they’re sleeping sound. You’re thinking of the perfect comeback after the fact, or talking about all the reasons they’re a terrible person. Meanwhile, while they’ve moved on.
Forgiveness is a journey. It doesn’t happen all at once. Everyone’s situation is different. Depending on what happened to you, the forgiveness journey might take a day, or a month, or years.
I’m going to tell you a secret about forgivness. But first, here are three actions steps that you need to take if you’re holding on to unforgiveness. Only when you do these things will you be able to understand the power of this secret.
1.Realize And Accept That You Can’t Do Anything To Change What Happened.
If you’re struggling to let go and forgive, it’s because you keep replaying what happened over and over in your head.
But every time you replay what happened, things go different than they actually did. You say all the right things, you do exactly what you should have done the first time, and you always come out on top.
If it happened again, you’d have the perfect comeback, you’d be braver, you never would have let it go that far.
If you’re struggling to let go and forgive, it’s because you keep replaying what happened over and over in your head.
But that’s not reality. Replaying what happened over and over doesn’t do any good. You’ll never be able to move forward if you don’t accept that you can’t change what happened. If you’re not willing to do that, you’ll be stuck in a cycle of bitterness and anger.
The very best thing you can do is learn what you can from what happened. Let the experience shape you in a positive, powerful way. Get stronger, more determined, and wiser. Commit to learning from it, and move forward.
2. Forgive Daily
Forgivness doesn’t happen all at once, it takes time. I know that you want to feel better right now. That’s why you’re refusing to forgive and throwing rocks at your enemy. It gives you the instant gratification of feeling good now. Forgiveness is hard work, and you have to do the work daily.
Forgiveness is hard work, and you have to do the work daily.
There’s an interesting story in the Gospel of Matthew. One of Jesus’ followers named Peter asks him how many times he should forgive someone. Jesus tells him that he should forgive an infinite number of times (see Matthew 18).
So, should I just let someone walk all over me as much as they want and then forgive them, you ask? Not exactly.
While I do think Jesus was telling Peter that there should never be an end to forgiveness, he also knew that sometimes it takes forgiving someone over and over again for the same offense. Words have incredible power. What we tell ourselves on a regular basis has a way of becoming reality.
I don’t mean you should call the person who hurt you every day and tell them that you forgive them. That would be weird. But it may be necessary to say “I forgive you” every time you think of them or what they did. You might say it in your head, or you might need to say it out loud.
Say it until you can think of them and it doesn’t hurt. Say it until you can sincerely wish the best for them in life. Say it until you really do forgive them. That could take a while.
3. If Possible, Seek Reconciliation
And I do mean if possible. Sometimes a situation is so bad you need to walk away and never look back. Remember, Jesus told Peter to forgive, but he didn’t say forget. If you forget your past, you’re bound to repeat it. You can forgive an abuser. You can forgive a toxic personality, or someone who deliberately hurt you. But that doesn’t mean you should go back to them. While it’s ideal to seek reconciliation, sometime’s it isn’t healthy.
You can forgive an abuser. You can forgive a toxic personality, or someone who deliberately hurt you. But that doesn’t mean you should go back to them.
That said, except for extreme cases, you should try to reconcile. Don’t let your refusal to forgive ruin a true friendship that was good up until something happened. Reconciliation brings true healing. It’s true that reconciliation takes extra effort. It might mean you have to dig into past hurts, and have a difficult conversation. In the end, your relationship might be better than before because you were willing to do the hard work.
So, What’s The Secret About Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not for them.
Forgiveness is much more for you than the person who hurt you. Sure, they may ask or even beg for forgiveness to ease their own conscience. But when you forgive, it takes the chains off of you, and gives you freedom.
Forgiveness is not for them. Forgiveness is much more for you than the person who hurt you.
As with everything in life, there’s no magic formula to forgiving someone. You have to intentionally do the hard work of forgiving. It’s a journey that you have to take if you ever want to experience the power of the secret.
I’m like everyone else, I’ve been lied to, betrayed, and embarrassed. I never wanted to forgive. But I’ve learned that forgiveness is more for me than it is for them. I’ve learned that you have to forgive or you’ll be a captive of resentment and bitterness.
Conclusion
In the end, it doesn’t matter how right you are or how wrong they were. Don’t waste your life in the bitterness and resentment that comes from refusing to forgive. Forgiveness is for you.
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Originally published at https://www.kylechastain.com on June 10, 2020.
